Foolish Earthlings
by banjo2E
Summary: A collection of one-shots about everything that could possibly go wrong with a self-insert who ends up in the general area of the Journey of Regeneration. EMPHASIS, cool & unusual punishment, *SPOILERS*, quantum butterflies, maybe bashing. T just in case.
1. April

**April**

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><p>She'd managed to steal one of the female Desians' spears in the chaos. The other prisoners hadn't moved out of their cells, but she wasn't about to stay with them and miss the journey of regeneration.<p>

One of the few remaining guards had just broken through Lloyd's guard. She stabbed him from behind

"Thanks," Lloyd said, smiling at her.

She beamed back at him. "No problem, happy to help."

"Attention, prisoners!" Kratos was good at yelling, apparently. "Neil and these guards will escort you out of here. Please follow them as quickly and orderly as you can."

When she hung back from following the other prisoners, Kratos took notice first and scowled at her. "What do you want? We're in a hurry."

"I...I want to go with you!"

"No, it's too dangerous. Your Exs-" Kratos began, but was interrupted by Lloyd. She could kiss him at that moment.

"Come on, Kratos, until she gets a Key Crest she'll be in trouble no matter what she's doing. Besides, she's not that bad at fighting and we could probably use all the help we can get. What's your name, anyway?"

"It's April. You know, like the month."

Literally everyone in the room stopped and turned to stare at her with absolute malice. "Um...what'd I say?"

"April is only a month in the Desian calendar." Kratos growled in reply. "Draw your weapon, spy."

She felt betrayed and horrified. How could they possibly think that she was a spy? Why would Sylvarant even have a different calendar anyway? "W-what? No, I—"

"_Sonic Thrust!"_

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><p>No one ever heard from her again...<p>

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><p><strong>AN: Oh you'd better believe I'm going to do more of these.**


	2. You're Too Slow

**You're Too Slow**

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><p>A young man stood in Palmacosta's central plaza, thinking. <em>Dammit...so I'm in Palmacosta of all places. How did I get here?<em>

He hadn't been having a very good day. First he'd failed his Algebra test (stupid quadratic formula!) then his date canceled because of some stupid funeral or some BS like that, and just when he was about to relax, he got sucked into Tales of Symphonia for no freakin' reason.

_Well, I'm not going to let this place get to me. No, sir. I'll avoid all those stupid things that those cliched self-inserts do all the...is the ground shaking?_

The ground was indeed shaking, and he, along with everyone else in the plaza The ground shuddered violently for fifteen seconds, sending a lot of people into a panic from the screams he could hear. Fortunately, he'd been living in California before crossing over, so he knew how to keep his cool during a quake

_...Okay, it looks like the worst is over. But why would there be earthquakes? Unless they're already breaking the seals, but then what am I supposed to be doi—_

His thoughts were cut short as a giant root _smashed_ through the church building on the other side of the square, demolishing it instantly. As gravity aided its downward path, he thought, _OH THIS IS BULLS—_

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><p>No one ever heard from him again...<p>

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><p><strong>AN: Short "chapters" are short. I could get used to this.**


	3. Barhah

**Barhah**

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><p><em><strong>And that marked the beginning of the regeneration of the world.<strong>_

*splat*

_...ow, my everything. That..hurt…_

The boy picked himself off the ground and looked around. It looked like he was, indeed, in the beginning of Tales of Symphonia. He thought he could see Iselia in the distance; it looked like he was off the north end. It didn't take him long to decide to head there; if this was the beginning of the story, Raine was probably still in the school building, and he really needed to be healed; he hurt all over, and could barely manage a drunken, shambling pace.

Fortunately, Raine came running out towards him almost immediately; thank goodness for the oracle.

"Ahzgahz mah, gahn ah hah mah? Ah dahn vah zah gahd…" _Damn, is my jaw busted too? This is even worse than I thought! I hope she understood…_

His thought processes were brought to a screeching halt when Raine replied, "A zombie? Here? Fascinating, I…never mind, I don't have time for this!"

As she started casting a spell, he looked down, and learned what spines looked like.

"Ah zhahd! Gahnn, dahn—"

"_Photon!"_

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><p>No one ever heard from him again…<p>

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><p><strong>AN: Because literally everyone starts off at Iselia these days (well not so much anymore but it was common once upon a time) I figured a subversion was in order.**

**The two Zambah-azh lines translate to "Excuse me, can ya heal me? I don't feel so good…" and "Oh shed! Raine, don't—" respectively.**


	4. I Attack The Darkness

**I Attack The Darkness**

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><p>"So, this is the true power of Nebilim!" The purple-haired man smirked darkly while floating above the Necronomicon. "Farewell, fools. You will have the privilege of being the first to witness my power!"<p>

The boy, along with everyone else in the group, was at the Temple of Darkness. He cursed inwardly; he'd completely forgotten the outcome of the Devil's Arms sidequest. If the transformation finished, they'd have to fight a demon from hell.

He scowled. "No way am I letting that happen!"

As he ran towards Abyssion, Raine yelled "Stop! The book will—"

But it was too late. Darkness surged from the book and claimed them both, and when it faded there stood something out of a Lovecraft novel. Not that the Aselians knew who Lovecraft was.

Lloyd drew his swords with a grimace. "Dammit…Do we have to fight another ally?"

The two-headed draconic abomination that had once been Abyssion and a kid from Earth grinned grotesquely and roared, _**"MY NAME IS HUGE"**_

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><p>No one ever heard from him again…<p>

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><p><strong>AN: And thus a very memetic battle happened. It was very lol, references that nobody got were dropped left and right, and there was Golden Sun music in the background. Actually, come to think of it, that wouldn't be a bad way to go, really. So I guess that, as the author, I've done my job wrong.**

…**Ehh****.**


End file.
